I've been trying to put words to how I've been feeling or how to explain where I am at in all of this adoption stuff. I feel like MY kids are missing. Our house feels a little too empty and a little too quiet in between visits. I feel energized and exhausted.
I guess the best description is that I feel like my life is on hold or paused during this transition process. We have visits with the kids twice a week this month. The day before is spent getting ready for the visit and prepping Nehemiah and spending extra quality time with him. The day of the visits I don't get much done since I just want to get to the visit. The day after a visit is spent emotionally recovering from the excitement and huge amount of energy spent and also A LOT of special time with Nehemiah. So, yeah, that's about 6 days of the week right there.
I'm not complaining but I just felt like I needed to share that for anyone heading into this process or wanting to better understand what's going on with us.
I am somewhat of a planner and like to know what I will be doing in the summer or fall but at this point we don't know what behaviors will surface once they've moved in and what we will be able to be involved in. I usually buy next year's homeschool curriculum now but I really don't know what the kids actually have a true grasp on educationally. There are so many unknowns right now. That is part of the journey and part of what makes this process exciting and very scary all at the same time.
This feels surreal to already feel like they are MY kids but then realize that we only found out about them in February. Everything seems to be happening very fast, yet at a snail's pace. I know that probably doesn't make much sense unless you've been in this or a similar situation. I'm ready to just get on with it, but also know I'm not ready to handle all 4 at once by myself. I'm living in a land of conflicting feelings: ready for them to be living here, but grieving the ease of life with just one child and the peace and quiet. Don't misunderstand me; I am in no way saying we are doubting this is God's plan and the right direction for our family, just trying to explain some of the other feelings besides all of the excitement I usually share.
Adoption is hard and messy and redmeptive and beautiful. Feeling honored and blessed to be a part of it.