I have been taking an impromptu blogging break the past month, in case you hadn't noticed. I didn't mean to, I just had nothing to say. I tried several times to get my thoughts straight but I couldn't. Part of the reason was busyness. Part of the reason was because I have been grieving. Grieving my idea and dream to adopt from Russia. We really felt like that was where God was leading us but it turns out that won't be possible right now.
You see, one thing I struggle with is depression. And one thing that Russia doesn't accept is mental illness of any sort, including depression. So about the beginning of February I started weaning off of my medicine and decided I could be "spiritual" enough to not need meds. The agency we wanted to work with said if I had a letter from the doctor explaining that I wasn't on any antidepressants now then we could adopt there. I just had to make it roughly 2 yrs without medication while in the adoption process. I really thought I could...I was wrong.
Now depression is a sticky issue among some Christians. Some well-meaning people insist it is a spiritual issue and that you must repent or fill your life with more of God. Some people say medication is the way to fix it all. I don't think medication alone is the answer. I honestly think for some people it can improve without medication if it isn't a brain chemical issue. Throughout February and March I came to realize my depression was definitely a chemical issue as well as a spiritual issue. I listened to tons of sermons and Christian broadcasts. I read my Bible anytime I felt anxiety, anger and irritability. I did lots of thinking, praying and talking out my issues. This all helped greatly, don't get me wrong but I was still in a downward spiral.
I finally had to come to grips with the fact that we had to let go of the Russia plan. So, here we are back at what feels like square one. We are going to adopt, but we have no clue from where as of right now. We would appreciate your prayers as we seek God's direction in adoption. I have been feeling like He is holding us back to wait for a reason and that it'll all be apparent as to why further down the road.
You'll be happy to know I am on medication again and feeling almost normal. ;) Haha, whatever normal is! Another realization I've had is this: it is easy to block out your "issues" when the antidepressants make you feel better, but those issues need to be dealt with or else you won't ever heal completely. Medication can easily become a mask that hides the symptoms but never uncovers the root of the problem. God is the Ultimate Healer of all, and sees into the deepest part of our heart to discover our hurts and gently draw us to Himself!